Bonobo Love

Monkey Gone To Heaven

2005-02-19T23:06:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Please don't be sad. But get a pack of tissues anyway. Things are going to change around here.

You see, I've come to the realisation that two heads are better than one. Lets just see this proved via a quick list;

- Eric and Ernie
- Mills and Boon
- Fish and chips
- G & T
- Tango and Cash

.. to name a few of the great double acts that have existed and entertained miwyons of people the world over.

It is here, that we leave Bonobo Love as it stands. Its time for pastures new. Its time to do the proverbial one.

So, in conjunction with my lovely man Meester Crumb, we have decided to get married and have a baby, called The Mighty Love.

Its the new website where you can now get two for the price of one and enjoy all the usual twatty banter and inane chatter; but now from us both.

Fiends, nomads and countryhens, its been a blast.. Lets carry on this party with this new site...

From me, Mr. B, its goodnight now. I'm turning off the lights and not bothering to clean up. I know its all rather sudden, but its much better to fade out than burn some hay..*sniff*

See you all on the other side! ..We hope you enjoy it.

*breaks down in floods of big tears, shuts the door to the monkey house..*

B x.

Mordor Helpine: 0800 NEED A RING

2005-02-13T22:04:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I, along with my man with arms Meester Crumb have done something amazing.

We've achieved something that you lesser mortals would envy at and wish in your wildest dreams you could do yo'self.

We've taken that final step into a wider world and experienced the greater things in life, have trodden the unexplored paths which aren't paths really because no-ones really trodden them, shit bad sentence there..

We've run an emotional marathon, and ran to the end and said "Yes! Oh lord yes! We have made this our own conquest! Praise Be! Lordy lord!"

Why?

...On Saturday, myself, Crumb and my dad watched all 3 extended versions of The Lord Of The Rings back to back.

We started at 11am, finished around 12 midnight.

Bear in mind, during the watching of any films, people have to; go to the toilet, eat, drink, fuck up the DVD player so it won't show a picture (although this was just Crumbs fault), and go out to get chinese food.

All in all, it took bloody ages to watch. Remember, with these extended versions, each film is split into two DVD discs. Therefore when the first disc feels like you've been sat long enough to start feeling stubble when you'd only just shaved after putting it on, it does scare you somewhat to think "There are 5 more of these bad boys left.." .

However, watching all of them, exactly how they were meant to be shown has really opened up my eyes as to the true message of the films' purpose. Yes, it was always going to be difficult to put all of the points in the book across in the film, but by god, Peter Jackson has done a decent job here.

The summer before the first film came out, I made a point of reading "The Hobbit" and "The Lord Of The Rings" back to back, and really did go there and back again with Sam and Frodo, so I did understand the parts where the cinematic versions missed out on for one reason or another.

I really did feel as though I understood a hell of a lot more about the films after seeing the extended versions this time around.. Everything made sense and.. well, surprisingly, the last two films went by a lot quicker than the first one.

Crumb, my dad and myself survived the ordeal on a diet of diet coke, beer (naturally), carrots, celery, tomatoes, pork pies, sausage rolls, trifles, mango juice and, as I say, a bit of chow mein. We didn't starve I can assure you.

It was a trial, but one definitely worth doing. At the very very end it felt as though you'd watched one long bloody film. And it did feel satisfying, beleive me..

If you have the extended trilogy, watch them in this manner, please, you'll get a lot more out of it, plus, its a great excuse for staying at home and eating loads and drinking a bit too.

Eat drink and be merry or pippin..

(Insert another Lord of the Rings related jokes in comment box..)

Above: The One Ring, yesterday.
B x

Short Crap 9 day Holiday Post

2005-02-10T19:19:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

My half term starts from 3.30 tomorrow afternoon...and thank the lord for it.

Ladies and germs, it's quite clearly Miller time.

*sound of a party popper being let off one day early*

B x.

Very Enjoyable Night No. 478

2005-02-06T17:05:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I spent Friday night in my handy local pub with my brother in arms, Mr. Crumb. Firstly, the pub itself.. Anyone looking at it from the outside may look at it in disdain and not give it a second glance. No flashy signs, drinks promotions, the paintwork all over whitewashed with a simple red sign: The Brunswick. Could this pub be any good? Yes. Should you take my word for it? Hell yes. Read my lips.. Anyone worth their salt and who knows where its at; knows the cool crew inside out; is down with it; is '4 real ya'll'- knows that The Brunswick is the place to be.. ..Did I just say all that? Ah.

Perhaps I should retract some of those statements on the basis of their naffness. I'll then carry on telling you about this place without trying to big it up any further.. So you walk in through double doors into a lower level, down some stairs and into the main 'pub' area. Jukebox, DJ spot on your left, raised chairs and tables further on, a bar in the middle of the pub (Well- fancy that!) and more seats on the right. The back of the pub sports even more chairs, a pool table and a part time stage for occassional bands.

When I was a student in the late 90's in Gloucester, even though I lived on the opposite side of the city, I still went to this pub and treated it as my local. And now its only a stones throw away, which is just bloody maaarvellous. I loved it then and I love it now. Its nice to know that some things in life will always remain the way when you last left them.

This Friday night, Crumb had come up from Bristol for us to have a few bevvies together, chew the fat so to speak. Having stopped off at another wonderful pub that I'll have to take you to some other time whilst getting tanked on some 7% alcohol scrumpy cider (When in Rome..) we made our way back to the Brunswick. Got in, got drinks and noticed a band were all set up on the make shift stage.

This is what I love about this pub; its very cool without overtly trying to be cool. Whilst waiting for the live act to kick in, Crumb and I started talking about music. Now, we've been here before.. Crumb and I, a few months back were in the same pub and started talking about music. At the time we made a comment about the Stereophonic's 'Bartender & the thief', a fine piece of radio friendly rock. 5 mniutes later the bastard track was playing in the background.

This Friday night, we started discussing music again and soon enough, it began to play. As if some magical musical god was looking down at us and told us we could have our songs come true on the jukebox. (Alcohol has erased the memory of the particular song, Crumb noted it on his phone, but I couldn't tell you even if my life depended on it..)

But that wasn't the best of it.

The band came on. Drums. Guitar. Double bass. They were a mad jazz- shuffle- outfit from the Forest Of Dean, so they were very lively. The songs they played were ace, (I know that after a few King Lears any music sounds like it was recorded in heaven but these guys were good) Their agent (A very interesting man who seemed extremely keen to promote music of all kinds in the Gloucestershire area) was handing out promo CDs of them to which Crumb and I were keen to take home. They did a cover of 'Lovin' You' and 'I'm too Sexy'. It was hilarious.

And then we left, said goodbye to the band and left under the influence. The night had flown by, damnit! Once home, Crumb collapsed in a heap and stayed that way until 12 o'clock the next day whilst I stayed up as I usually do for a further 2 hours or so, restless.

I do so love Fridays.

Oh, and the band's name? PURE EVIL. Check them out;

Pure Evil- 'Mammy'

B x.

Anakin Speaks Out

2005-02-06T09:08:00.000Z

Hi, I'm Anakin Skywalker.

You may have heard of me in films such as "Star Wars: Episode 1- The Phantom Menace", "Star Wars: Episode 2- Attack of the Clones", "Babysitter Blues", "The Day the toaster broke", "Always 2" and most recently the as-yet- unreleased "Star Wars: Episode 3- Return of Old Seth".

The Emmerdale based storyline in the third film differs greatly from the thread of the previous two. However, my character, as you will see journeys through a dark and tempting path with Old Seth leading him on to his ultimate, terrifying destiny. Imagine sheep instead of droids and walking sticks for lightsabers. Thats the general feel of the story in this third installment.

I have every much enjoyed working with all of the Emmerdale crew during the last few months, and it has been a welcome change from acting on a 'blue- screen' set where I would have to have imagined where all of the fighting was taking place. Now, I just do my bit either in a pub or a field, working alongside proper actors and not some CGI creation I'll only see when the films released! Grr!

Here, based in the Woolpack, with a few pints of old stout with all of the other C- list actors, and the charms of the Yorskhire countryside its not surprising to see how I've left the call and lure of glitzy Hollywood behind me now. Now I feel really at home and have calmed down an awful lot, mostly because I'm pissed half the time! Cheers!

And they call it; puppy luuurve..

2005-02-03T18:13:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

*There he is...*

*Look!*

*He's coming!*

*FOOTSTEPS TRAIL OFF AMID GIRLY GIGGLES from down the corridor outside my room*

I open my door quickly, interupted from my lunchtime duty of blog stalking using the school network. There's no-one there.

Pah, it's HER again..

I have been told that a year 10 girl is kind of fond of me at the moment. Over the past few weeks other year 10's have been passing on comments on how much this girl likes me. Its now common knowledge this is the case.

Every now and then during break or lunch time I think I can see my door open just a tad and I see a glimpse of this besotted girl; but only a glimpse.

This lunchtime I was in another room, she tracked me down and came into the room only to go back out again. Again, I only saw a girly blur. When I walked to the door she had scarpered.

Aw... shy.

Then, last period today I had my year 10's again. They sat down, I began the lesson, and then noticed on my desk an envelope addressed to me in red writing. The envelope looked a bit grubby. I asked who had left it here and finally someone owned up to leaving it there on behalf of this girl.

Ohh no..

"Open it!" I heard. "What's she put in it?" were other comments.

I told the class to calm down and that it was none of their business. The lesson continued and soon ended.

After the din had died down I opened up the letter. Dread filled my stomach. She's confessed her love for me I thought. Unfortunately I was totally right.

A card with a pink bear on holding a card and a bottle of champagne, birds flying with hearts in their mouths. A love- fest on paper. Oh good..

Inside it read:

To Mr. Love

With hugs and kisses especially for you

From Girl XXXXXX

Happy valentine

I HEART you!

you have a nice bum!

Hmm. Worrying. I may have to use some sort of aversion therapy here. This HAS to and WILL stop!

I've told my head of department about it, even showed him the actual card, who in turn has told everyone else in my department. He said this sort of thing does happen and to just ignore it as best you can.

I then had a meeting after school with my head of department and other senior teaching staff. As I walked in they were all judging the quality of my rear. Bastards.

B x.

Tomorrow's Worlds' Ultimate Rival

2005-01-31T19:52:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Look Around You is back on TV.

Thants.

B x.

Wait an age for the wage

2005-01-29T20:50:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I just got paid on Friday. Has anyone else been paid after what seemed like an eternity after xmas?

It feels very good indeed.

I've been seriously bloody shopping today. *smiles*

..Aaaahh...

B x.

Uninformed, Reactionary Parent Abuse!

2005-01-26T19:48:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

The kids are sent to try me, by god.. *Grits teeth*

So, there's this girl pupil of mine, lets call her Ramona Hitler. Her real name has been changed because quite frankly, Ramona is a galaxy of an improvement compared to her real life namesake.

On Monday, she pissed me off in my lesson, didn't listen, kept surfing the web while I was taking the lesson and generally being an idiot.

Now, I'm a teacher, right? (I shouldn't have to ask I know)..I want her to learn, to listen, ask questions and all that. But, she was quite happy to sit there and totally ignore my instructions to turn her screen off and listen.

So after the bell went for break time I asked her to stay back for a chat, to which she promptly walked straight past me and out the door.

I followed her down the corridor to find her waiting on some stairs, smiling wickedly.

"Ramona!" I shouted. She looked up, smiled at me and then ran down the stairs.

No gets away with this. No-one.

..Detention.

I found her at lunchtime in the playground and passed her the detention slip.

"This is yours" I said. "Take it home for your parents to sign."

She didn't take it. Instead she ran off with her friends. I wasn't going to chase after her, I'd look daft. Plus I can't run, I'm over 25.

Instead I handed the slip, along wth a few others to her Head of Year. He would then place the slips in the registers for the following morning, so that everyone down for a detention, including her, would get one.

This morning she came to my door and handed me back the note.

"I'm not coming." she said and showed me the back of her detention slip.

It read;

Mr Love

My daughter Ramona needed to go to the tiolet. Right away!

As she is a female!

Youe Got No Right to stop Her going to tiolet!

Mrs. Hitler
(Mother)

Well, Mrs. Hitler. Your girl certainly kept needing to go to the toilet quiet, infact she never had the decency to put her hand up at any point during the lesson to ask to go to the toilet, sorry, tiolet (I forgot you can't speel.)

You must ask her next time to put her hand up in future, thats what any other pupil in any other school on the planet would do.

Mind you, her needing the tiolet was probably the logical reason as to why I had no work produced from her for the entire lesson (Thats a whole hour honey pie) and will explain why she needed to surf on the internet right infront of me.

Yes. Surfing, needing the tiolet, waves, tiolets.

It makes sense now.

Also, thank you for pointing out that she is female, I can never tell these things and am glad a stinted lowly horse-like turd like yourself can offer me valuable insight on these matters.

...Sorry, I'm over-reacting here...

But I will take great offence if any parent beleives I am mistreating ANY of my pupils at ANY time. Especially pupils who are not taking the work seriously in the first place, that's just taking the piss.

And the parents of those kids know it to be so, because they were just like that when they were at school.

B x.

Texan Teacher Shortage in UK

2005-01-25T20:14:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

The job I'm in, well, it's funny.

Any other teachers out there must agree, nod in agreement, say "Yeah, I've been there", laugh and say "I know, I know" or just say "10-4 good buddy", if that teacher happened to hail from Texas, USA.

Texan teachers in the UK are rare (although this is not the rule, merely a common observaton).

You really are on the go all day. Nothing stops. From the moment you get in to school you find yourself preparing for any last minute details you forgot to iron out from yesterdays lesson preparations and plans (photocopying, copying files on the network- it all takes time)

Pupils stop and talk to you, staff talk to you, pupils ask you things, inane yet useful things which you must give a meaningful answer to, even if the answer you give is by no means the whole truth.

There's moving rooms after each bell. Remebering which lesson is next.

Talking a lot. Shouting a bit too. Yelling sometimes. (Thats just the staff -*arf!*)

You get a lot more aware of the time that you work through in the day. At lunchtime, hopefully the 40 minutes you get is your own, if your not on duty or helping out in computer club (By the way, thats helping some kids to print off essays etc.- not just geeky programmers, although by god, we get them too)

After school, clearing up, maybe a departmental meeting or AFTER school computer club. More lesson preparation. Then get home as quick as your tired worn out legs can carry you (However most teachers nowadays use cars or other automated transports to get home, which makes walking a virtual 'thing of the past').

I type this knackered, sick to death of looking at a computer screen. I hate computers...

..

..However, folks, its all good, believe me. I wouldn't change it for anything. I DO enjoy it, the whole shotting match. As they say, every day is different, and you just don't know whats going to happen; the fire alarm might go off, you might have to break up a fight or you might be talking to one of your forms parents over the phone to discuss their work.

Anything out of the ordinary on a daily basis is ok by me. It keeps me on my toes, doesn't make me feel completely comfortable and makes me a lot more aware of things going on around me. Sounds funny, but its a good thing.

*WHACK!*

..Who threw that!

B x.

Great Dream for SW Fans Everywhere

2005-01-22T10:20:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I shall not beat around the bush. I have been known to do this in the past, and get arrested on charges of sexual harassment, so that's why I shall not do it again.

I am also, not going to skirt around the subject. Although skirts were also involved in the previous incident as described above.

Instead I am going to be honest. I love Star Wars, like so many others of you out there.

Come on, admit it, you do.

No.. you DO, just open up to the truth.

George Lucas is my spiritual father, and I love him for creating a wonderful cultural phenomena that has influenced societies across the globe in a thousand million different ways. It has left a stamp on our subconscious, ever since we first saw those yellow words running out into distant outer space amid a heart- stopping fanfare.. come on, hum it with me. Just recall to yourself;

How often do you pick up a flourescent strip light and make lightsaber noises?

How often have you fucked up sentences and then lapsed into Yoda? (Fucked Am I!)

Wished you were behind the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon?

Acted out the story with your friends when you were ickle.. were you Luke or Han or Leia? (I suppose it did really depend on your gender too..)

Used the force to grab your lightsaber buried in the snow just out of reach in order to free yourself from being forcefully hung upside down in a very hungry wampa snow beast's cave in order to escape?

..Ahem. Well, anyway thats neither here nor there. The point is I dreamt that I'd seen the next Star Wars film.

Now I haven't been sleeping at all well all week. Maybe it was the position I was sleeping in, the noise of the traffic and chavs outside at 2 in the morning or those 5 cups of coffees I had before bed.

Last night I slept like a baby log. And I woke up at 8.40am, which for me is like getting up at midday.

The dream was ace, an epic of gargantuan proportions and I didn't want it to end, but it did, and I woke up almost opening my eyes to the noise of a retracting lightsaber.

Ahhh.

*fsssssssssh!- A lightsaber, yesterday*

B x.

Good Charlotte

2005-01-19T16:56:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Charlotte Hatherley, the often overlooked guitarist and vocalist from once male dominated pop rock group Ash...

She's lovely isn't she?

Well, she's only gone and done a solo album... by herself! Apparently its been out a while, called "Grey Will Fade".

Sounds groovy, as does this very good video of her third single 'Bastardo' (By the way, I'm not getting paid to say this by her record company, honest).

It features not only the good lady Charlotte, but the additional talents of Simon Pegg, David Walliams, Julia Davies and Lucy Davis. I think even Lauren Laverne makes an appearance but we'll try to forget that. Also its directed by Edgar "Shaun of the Dead and Spaced to name two things wot I done" Wright.

Visually and aurally brill.

The video 'Bastardo'.

..And if you don't like that, or it's not your cup of tea, here's Pee Wee Herman and Grace Jones dancing with a globe with a big nose watching them.

*Sigh* ..Each to their own...

B x.

I cannot teach geography to shave my wife

2005-01-18T20:46:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

This week has been *gasp* non- stop. Much like any other week really.

The kids are all *gasp, phew* all hyped up after xmas, the weather does them no good at all because when its windy and cold it only gets them all wound up and they end up *intake of breath* causing utter mayhem in class.

Today I had to do cover lessons. I've not really done them before, infact, I'd go as far as to say I have never done them before.

Today I was put in charge ofcovering a Year 9 group after lunch, then a Year 11 group before hometime.

Now, usually, because I teach ICT, I am comfortable with fairly small class sizes, 25- 27 is the most I've had. I have taught much larger groups in other schools but at the one I'm at, I'm used to pretty intimate amounts of kids.

This geography group had at least half of Year 9 in it.

And I couldn't get them to log on (because there were no PCs)

I couldn't warn them that if they continued to talk I'd take them off the computers (Because there were no PCs)

And I had no idea what I was trying to teach them. Something about rainforests, sustainability and ice cream. It ended up with me shouting my pretty little face off to a crowd, nay a sea of noisy faces jabbering back at me.

A lot of mess was made after they had left, which paved the way for the year 11's. And they were meant to be getting on with coursework.

However, the coursework wasn't there. There was no coursework, indeed, no cover work set for them of any kind. Not even a crossword based on scree slopes or contintental drift. Sod all.

I tried to copy some random work for them, but the geography departments photocopier decided to die on me. This would NOT happen in the ICT department I said to myself whilst the year 11's carried on talking.

I ended up reading an old magazine to myself towards the end of the lesson, as they had nothing to do, and I couldn't think of what I was trying to do or how I would instigate any kind of work for them to be getting on with, with only 10 minutes before the end bell.

They left the geography block.

I realised I then had computer club after school for an hour. I rushed back to the ICT block, right the way over the other side of the school and hugged the nearest flat screen monitor.

"God I've missed you." I whispered to it, and if there were no pupils around I may well have shed a tear.

B x.

Don't make any plans...

2005-01-11T20:04:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Any New Years Resolutions yet?

Of course not, and why start now of all the times in the year...

You've had all of last year to sort out that gym membership, fix that hinge, paint that door, nail that bit of lino that keeps flicking up and tripping you at the most inopportune moments or even start eating shredded wheat again and watching that rude foreign film your friends told you to watch.

Why begin to torture yourself by setting up a list of perogatives to be dealt with, you're not going to attempt them! Heaven forbid you've actaully gone and created a Week By Week hitlist of jobs to do! Christ No!.. Step into my office.. watch the cat.

Ok. Rules. ..I don't think so. You'll never stick to them anyway. If you had seriously wanted to do them, if you were really that arsed about it, you would have done them by now.

Some things we have to do.

For example: "I'm hungry. I want food."

...Time passes...

"The state of hunger has increased over time and I am still hungry. I must eat."

...More time skips along the clock face...

"I am ravenous. I need food immediately or I will start gnawing on this kettle in front of me which is, by all accounts, made of metal and inedible for a humung bean like myself."

Now, before you started salty vinegaring your favourite Morphy Richards, you would have sorted out some type of sustainance way in advance. Of course you would. Same goes for breathing, blinking and in some extreme cases, walking. This type of proactive problem solving is prevalent in our everyday lives and affects many essential activites. These are our 'immediate tasks'. They're fine, we can do them without really giving them any real effort.

However, another area of our brain tells us there are other jobs out there, jobs that need to be done which do not contain themselves within the 'essential' realm of things to do. This is where the problems begin.

These are our 'peripheral tasks', and it is these tasks that rarely show themselves in real life. They lay dormant in the recesses of our minds, waiting to come into fruition one day, hoping you will spring up from your sofa and 'get on the case'.

Sadly, we never or seldom rarely do these tasks and they continually float around in the vacuum of our imagination. After New Year shoots past we decide it is time to polish off our peripheral tasks, give them a re-think, prioritise them into order of importance and get ready to work through them one by one. We make lists, stick them on fridges or pin them on our walls or just paint them on our cars, whichever works the best.

Before we know it, its February and we're already back on the sofa. Those tasks disappear, and we are left waiting and wanting and needing to know what to eat for tea the next evening.

By their very nature, peripheral tasks are constantly elusive and will rarely see the light of day. It is only through years of effort and training can we truly unlock these thoughts with ease. For the majority of us, we are stuck with only the idea of fixing the suacepan with the wonky lid or the idea of cleaning out that drawer that seems to collect tickets, money and tissues. If you really wanted to do it, you'd have done it by now.

As the proverb says: "Don't put off tomorrow, what you can't do anyway", or something like that.

B x.

p.s. You managed to read this blog, so at least that's one chore out the way. You obviously aren't affected by everything I've just been talking about. Shit.

2005 A.D. ..the millenium was 5 years ago baby...

2005-01-04T20:10:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

*whoosh*

What the hell was that?

Ah.. That'll be the christmas holidays, once again flying by faster than light itself. Christmas holidays in which I was ill for a second time in ONE month, would you believe it? And on christmas day of all bloody days. It was rough.

..Oh gawd it was my first day back at school today. I felt just like the kids.. I got up at 6, but this was from getting up at 5, wondering how my first day back would pan out like. I've been watching the hours count down for days until my alarm went off this morning. I've literally been watching the days go by and been very conscious of it. My time at the moment seems doubly precious to me.

I'd never really felt like this about going back to a job before. I really can't put my finger on it, but christmas for me wasn't the most satisfying of my career, what being ill a second time and only getting into the swing of things just before New Year, I've been felt somewhat cheated.

And what with all the horror and grief in the world at the moment, the whole affair got put to one side anyway. Theres never a right moment for anything like that to happen but unfortunately it did.

And thats the thing that made me feel all the more reluctant to come back to school. With all thats going on in the world, I do feel rather small and insignificant. This, however has always been the case anyway and its only now that I've noticed this bug's life view. And it made me think very existentialist thoughts on why we do what we do in our lives when things like this destroys families and levels settlements to unimaginable debris.

And I was thinking about all of this whilst ill, over the festive season. So I didn't dare drink anything incase I started to feel that the end was nigh.

Having said that, today was fine, the kids chirpy, the teachers slightly dazed including myself. It was, on a complete flipside of things, nice to be back.

Undecidedly awkward forever,

B x.

p.s. Happy New Year everybodies, lets hope its a good one...

Bonobo go in snow

2004-12-22T13:56:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I'm off now for a few days, up to Worcester, then down to a village outside Milton Keynes where the girl's parents live. Yes I'm spending xmas with the outlaws, should be good. At least it'll be warmer than my flat at the moment...

Anyway, to everyone, have a very merry xmas, and I'll see you all soon no doubt with no stories to tell before the new year...

Peace out, presents opened etc.

B x.

Feeling the cold!

2004-12-20T10:44:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Well, I got over my deadly flu. It turns out it wasn't that deadly at all, hence me writing this blog now. But I was in agony for a couple of days, and don't wish it on anyone.

Finished school on Friday, so have been taking it nice and steady so far. Been to see a few friends and family at the weekend, only to come back to Gloucester to find our boiler has packed up. The pipes have began leaking and the boiler just isn't working, so its freezing everywhere. Last night I slept with two socks on and three layers on top, my girlfriend slept with a beanie on to keep her head warm. Brr.

Anyway, christmas is coming if you hadn't noticed, so you're all going to get a little treat. I e-mailed Pencil (RIP) last year with this poem which he published on his now defunct blog. This year I'll just publish it on this here blog. Not original at all, but I love the poem, and if you havn't read it before, enjoy.

Its called 'Nicholas Was' by Neil Gaiman and I hope I've got permission to show this (Probably not but the respect is there!).

Keep warm, eat, drink and be Mary.

Nicholas Was…

Older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Artic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once a year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen in time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.
Ho.
Ho.

B x.

See what condition my condition is in..

2004-12-13T08:50:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I shiver and ache, from my head to my toes and all thats inbetween. The slightest movement is a labour, I am ultra tender and sensitive to pretty much anything; even going to the toilet has become a test of nerve as it feels like I'm pissing razor blades.

The glands in my throat has swollen on one side to the point where its a pain to turn my head without affecting it. I cannot swallow without a blinding flash of hurt throughout my neck.

My appetite has completely disappeared. In the last 2 days I've had half a boiled egg, two soldiers and a vanilla yogurt. To add insult, my taste has flown south also making the said items seem more like rubber, wet cardboard and chilled mud respectively.

Because it really hurts when I swallow, and by that I mean, I know if I have to swallow or not, I've not been sleeping at all well. I keep waking up each time I swallow, which is just horrible. I don't think I've slept deep or dreamt since Thursday night. The weekendwas a complete non- starter.

My girlfriend has been looking after me even though she's a bit ill herself.

*sobs*

BUT! Dry your eyes mate! At least I'm getting it before christmas eh? Aint that grand? Should be fine for New Year too.. If you're ill, get well soon too, its a shit. My hint: get ill as soon as possible so that your in tip top shape for the 25th onwards..

*Leaps up and sings 'Happy days are here again', knocks over the Beechams powders with dressing gown to start dancing in a cabaret style on the kitchen table*

(Crumb: Yes, I know I just mentioned the word 'Glands'..)

B x.

Wish fulfillment

2004-12-08T19:06:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Saw Disney's Aladdin the other night and it got me thinking..

1) I wish I was slightly more better off.

2) I wish everyone was nicer to each other, especially around this time of year.

3) I wish it was a week and a bit later so school was over.. that would be ace.

Just three wishes.. thats all.

B x.

Lovely words

2004-11-25T19:04:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Mother.

Passion.

Liberty.

The british council recently had a nationwide vote to see which words are the UK's favourite. The ones listed above made it into the top ten amongst others, with Mother being the top most favourite word of all time. And why the hell not? Its where we all came from, its our point of origin, so why shouldn't we give it some respect?

Other words in the list included bubble, gazebo, peekaboo and fuselage. A few that didn't make it but that were contributed were kerfuffle and bedlam. Awww...

To see the whole list, visit the BBC link above...

Before I made this blog, I was obsessed with the word Bonobo. The word just sounded so awkward yet serious in the same light. I kept repeating it over and over and liked the way it sounded. Then, named the blinkin' site after it. Well, it just so happens that Love is in the top ten anyway... So I must be doing something right!

Now.. tell me your favourite words...

B x.

Ready, steady, cock.

2004-11-16T18:36:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I heard the other morning on the radio that Barry Cryer had once bought a packet of Anthony Worrall Thompson organic sausages from his local supermarket.

He read the back of the packet for cooking instructions and finally read at the bottom which read: Prick with a fork.

This made me giggle like Scooby Doo yesterday morning in the car on my merry way to work.

Above: A chef who favours pronged implements to cook with.

B x.

The Day We Went To Brighton (aka There and Back Again)

2004-11-14T19:54:00.000Z

Above: Brighton, 2 hours ago.

Consonant reader,

Leaving all thoughts of school, over priced anti- virus software and trying to get all of my work done before Sunday night, me and the Good Lady went down to Brighton for the weekend.

From Gloucester it took about 3 hours and a bit extra (fuel stops, wee stops, fuel and wee stops- do you get the picture?) before we made it to Hove and the Imperial Hotel, our place to kip for the evening. The reason for this sudden journey south? A wedding if you must know. And it was the type of wedding where you feel like you're going to be an insignificant peripheral guest, the one who spends all night sitting near the end of the reception table idly playing with your place name thats been specially printed with a fine watermark and emboss finish to it.

I haven't known the intended couple all that long, having been introduced via the aforementioned Lady earlier this year, but already I knew the whole ring a ding ding shindig was going to be a fine affair, as they were lovely friendly folks.

And their friends and family were equally friendly and lovely. I got on well with the groom's other brothers and father, talking mainly about music. Now, I felt very humbled to be invited to this wedding, because I hadn't known these two all that long and it was quite an intimate affair with only select acquaintances making themselves present to the soiree. So, I did feel quite honoured to be a part of it. Everyone who we didn't know welcomed us as well as the other 'unknown elements' much like oursevles with open arms (and hands loaded with glasses of wine).

The wedding was held in Brighton Pavillion, which was pretty impressive stuff, even if the fire alarm went off just before the service was meant to start (However the bride hadn't arrived then anyway..). After the wedding ceremony and a few kodak moments, we all stumbled in the bitter cold to the reception venue, The Hotel Du Vin.

Above: Brighton Pavillion, 1 hour ago just as dusk was setting.

Well, I was bowled over- what a lovely place to have a reception! I won't go into detail- only to say the meal was amazing, during which we both got to know other guests a lot better. Then finally the wedding party made their way upstairs to the billiard room, where all the men took it in turns to play pool to varying degrees of skill and sobriety. Cigars were smoked, the wine flowed. I even had a pop at playing pool. Now, I know I'm shit- no Ray Reardon- but the gods must have been looking down at me because I managed to win a game! (Yes, just one- I am shit- that was just luck...)

Just when I thought it couldn't get much better, who do I see in the bar but none other than monocle clad, psuedo- country gentleman and lisp affected celebrity Chris Eubank. Complete with his little leather bound handbag, he spent the next 45 minutes or so ordering drinks and texting others at the bar, on his own. Someone then told me (a local Brightonian) that he usually spends his nights touring bars on his own. Poor sod I thought. All that fame, yet here is, on his own. Then thoughts turned from fading boxers to ordering a taxi as time had run away with the evening.

And then back to the hotel for shut eye..

This morning was nice too- lovely weather (Our hotel was over priced and a little bit on the grotty side but thats another story entirely), and a walk from Hove to Brighton and back again, looking at the shops and even a remembrance day march in the centre of town.

We arrived back this afternoon (another bleedin' 3 hours later.. more fuel stops and one wee), both of us reflecting on the past 24 hours in the car, waxing bloody lyrical we were. We also started talking about how cool it would be to live there as well. The life, the culture, the whole atmosphere is so different to the norm.

But it is expensive.. looking at the house prices. I think I'd have to sell a testicle or donate my arse to science for us to be able to afford just a shed on the sea front.

Also the grass is always greener.. and things are never as they seem..

I'm glad I went away and met new people. I'm also glad I'm back in Gloucester because I know exactly what to expect, good or bad.

Above: Gloucester, 5 minutes ago (I used some floodlights to get the daylight effect here..)

B x.

IhateNortonwithapassion.

2004-11-13T08:21:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I hate Norton Internet Security with a passion. I bought it, installed it, and by god it did what it set out to do, but.. at ..the ..same.. time ..it slowed my ..pc.. down to the..pace.. of an old disabled snail.

I have since got rid of the offending program as I was sick of having to wait every 5 minutes for the pc to check through all of its files again and again which would freeze up all other activity on the computer. As you can imagine this became infuriating to the point of killing myself.

Before I did that however, I installed an equally effective anti- virus software for free. Now I have a Norton package going spare.

Anyone fancy slowing their pc down for a discount price? Tenner?

B x.

B.O.

2004-11-10T21:20:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I joined my local gym on Saturday.

I had my induction on Sunday.

I ached on Monday. (Like the proverbial fucker)

I ached on Tuesday, but not as much.

Wednesday (Today), I went back to the gym and worked out like a steam train, getting very hot and tired in the provess. Is this natural I wonder?

Anyway, by the summer of 2005 A.D., my body will be honed and toned to god- like perfection. Millions will look at, and want to be me. I will be irresistable to all women, most men and other vertebrated mammals of no fixed species or identity.

...

*spots a squadron of pigs on the horizon*

B x.

The Wave Of Hate

2004-11-04T20:40:00.000Z

If you look up on the upper right hand corner of this blog, or indeed any blog done through www.blogger.com (thanks guys, you're the best) you'll notice a little icon that says "Next Blog".

I've been clicking on this icon for the past 20 minutes and found that every blog is either Canadian, American, Mexican or from the Middle East.

And just about all of them are having a real dig at this George Bush fella who won that erection the other day in New York. Every blog site was dedicated to poking his eyes out with asparagus tips and tanning his hide from here to Kingdom Come and then back to here again. They were all just saying how disappointed they were with the result of the election and how they will keep resisting another 4 years of shame which makes the US people look to the outside world look like a group of god fearing gun toting sonsabeaches.

Well, have you ever met the man? Never judge a president from his past 4 years in office, that was only a warm- up act. Everybody: "Look to the future now, he's only just beeegu-hu-huuunnn"

Above: America yesterday.